Short Sweet and to the Point

People try to peg all women as entirely this one way or all men entirely this other way. The fact of the matter is men and women are not that simple!

Yes, there are stereotypes but there are also exceptions to every rule. So just think next time before you go lumping someone into a group think of them as an individual first. This will do at minimum two great things for you, let you know who someone truly is much better, and keep you for forming misconceptions about 'all women' or 'all men'.

That's it. I told you I would keep this one short sweet and to the point!

WHY ARE WOMEN SO NEEDY?

How Needy is Needy?
I like to think of myself as a fairly self sufficient person, granted many of us like to think things about ourselves that are not always entirely true. Because of this I was slightly offended the first time I was told that I was needy, in fact to this day I may even fold my arms and huff like an upset 3 year old if I am told that. Why do I not like being called that? Well first off I know about ten other women who are far and beyond worse than me so why am I being called needy and second I believe there are certain things that it is okay to expect or at least desire from a partner. Let me explain.

First: One of these ten other women I know is Jill, I work with both her and her husband Jack. She can not go to a single doctors appointment (and I'm referring to a non-invasive check up) for her, or take one of her sons to one, go to the bank, or open her email without Jack being there. Please keep in mind this is just a random small selection of a very large list of things Jill can not do without or requires from Jack. The problem here is that no matter how drastic your woman's needyness is as soon as the woman hears her being called needy she will usually automatically think of the most needy person she knows and think 'You really think I'm that bad?' with eyes watering. Even though you probably don't even know who their needy girlfriends are. Oh, and ladies, THEY DON'T KNOW WHO YOUR NEEDY GIRLFRIENDS ARE! So don't compare yourselves to them, they sure as hell aren't.

Second: Women have a natural desire for their man to protect them so if they know you don't want to go somewhere with them and they are still asking you one possible reason could be that they are uncomfortable going alone. Then you say, 'Why don't you take a girlfriend?' because, genius, it really isn't the same. In this I am referring to physical protection and other kinds of protection, yes a woman can take a car into the shop, it is an easy thing to do but I know my fair share about cars and I am telling you as soon as a mechanic sees a female it's like a walking cash sign, fellas go with your girls! The other, in my opinion, understandable reason is companionship. Granted no one should be asked to go absolutely everywhere all the time but a family dinner or a night out with friends a woman tends to not want to be the only one with a significant other that didn't show up. So to reiterate, it shouldn't be all the time but being there for someone else, even when you may not want to be(yes, family dinners can suck), is what a relationship is all about.

Women are not the only ones!
Men are needy too. Like women, some are worse than others. But unlike women men are needy in very different ways. My friend Ed was raised by a single working mother who could not be around as often as a growing boy probably needed and now, 30 years later, he is a little starved for affection and his girlfriend needs to constantly remind him that he is loved and capable of being loved. The trick for her, of course, is doing this in a way that still makes him feel like the manly man of the house.

My 2 Cents
Fellas, yes, your girlfriend can be needy sometimes but instead of letting it irritate the crap out of you why don't you just take a moment to figure out why some of these seemingly crazy things to you are so important to her.

Ladies, some of you are more self sufficient than others and some needier than others but whatever you are accept it. Don't compare yourself to anyone else, and if you are unsure of yourself instead of worrying about how needy is too needy just take a look at what is important to you and if something is truly that important to you a good man will understand that and be there for you. Also in the middle of all this deep internal thought take a moment to recognize what he needs, he may be better at hiding it but trust me his needs are there too.(and if one of those needs just happens to be freedom from at least one crazy family dinner, then by all means let him have it after all he has been through going to those for you;-)

The Perfect Person

Are You Perfect?
In my limited experience this is a question that almost everyone can answer correctly but some don't seem to understand what that means. If I'm not perfect and your not perfect and if no one in this room, city, state, nation, or world are perfect then there is no such thing as the perfect man or the perfect woman.

I have seen this perfect person concept taken in two very different ways.

One: Ann is one of those sweet girls who, though their intentions may be honorable, still believes their Prince Charming will come for them and he will have this, look like that, and think this, this and that and he will be absolutely perfect in every way. And as years turn into decades Ann sees men come in and out of her life, possible even a man, Larry, who loved her and would have done everything for her but because he was 3 inches too short got marked as a friend and nothing more.

Two: Valerie know she is not perfect so why should she hold Nick to such a high standard? He cheated on me, so what, nobody's perfect. He called me names, so what it's not like he beats me or anything, nobody's perfect.

How do you find what's right?
What's right for you is not what's right for Ann or Valerie or Nick or Larry, Curly, Moe or whoever. But what is right is having the sense not to let good things pass you by because they don't match exactly with every little desire on your checklist (We can't all marry Gerard Butler or Jessica Alba) and having enough confidence in yourself to not settle for something or someone when you know you truly deserve a lot more. Then the person you find may not be perfect but they just may be the perfect person for you.

Never Been Kissed

Just For a Few
(the majority of you can skip down to the end)
This post is directed to a slim number of people. I just happen to live in an area in the United States where people are so sexually repressed through adolescence and into adulthood that this post actually does hold some relevance. Now don't get me wrong, protecting your child from things and bringing them into the world as discerning, knowledgeable adults is one thing. To shelter them to the point that a PG movie can be seen as obscene is another.

The Example
I work with a really nice guy. He is 27 years old and to a casual observer he may seem to be a bit on the dweeby side. He loves disk golf, or frolf, it's the only sport, if you can call that a sport, he plays and he lives and breaths music. Now I'm not just talking any music, I love all kinds of music, no he only lives for choral music. He has a girlfriend at the moment and after three weeks he announced to the office that it has become the longest relationship he has ever been in. This may sound a little weird to some but I haven't hit the major point yet. I bet most of you can now assume where I am getting to. This 27 year old man has never kissed a girl, not even a peck! (or a guy but he seems to be genuinely uninterested in switching teams aether)Now, I am not here to tell anyone how they should be living and if he doesn't want to kiss anyone that is his decision.

In the girlfriend lies the problem. He says he likes her and wants to keep her around and wants to make her happy but even though she is a sweet girl that may even be naiver than some he is still hurting her feelings by not kissing her. She knows about the virgin lip thing he has going but she is still going to start taking it personally soon if he doesn't step up. To be honest she already is and he knows it. He found out through her room mates that she is starting to feel down on herself. Yet nice guy still can't man up.

What this Means
If a girl isn't kissed by their boyfriend they feel ugly as if the boyfriend doesn't even want to. This can go for many other things besides kissing such as holding hands in public or even sex for those more liberal couples. And if you as the man can't kiss them or hold their hand or whatever your idiosyncrasy is then you need to find a way to show them how beautiful they are to you asap!

Confidence is also important. I girls / women are attracted to men they feel can protect them. That's why you see so man sweet girls dating horrible jerks, they are strong and confident and make a woman feel protected from the world, even when the protection they sadly need is from the jerk. If this nice guy I just spoke about doesn't find some confidence in him somewhere, or in other words, grow a pair, he will lose her and lose her quickly.


For the Rest of Us
Everyone wants to feel loved and everyone wants to feel important and attractive. Even if you say I love you every time you say goodbye on the phone, every night at bed, every morning before leaving for work that is not enough. Those I love yous don't ever loose there meaning but they can become routine and not have the effect that the words once had. Be spontaneous, take time to pause and let your partner know exactly how they make you feel and how you feel about them. Rather then a peak one morning surprise them with a truly impassioned kiss. Slip a hand written note somewhere you know they will find it. These simple things can have so much more personal value than flowers on important days. (Though honestly, if you want to keep your soulmate around forgetting flowers on those important days would be a very BAD idea)

Hopscotch, Jumprope, & Other Great Girl Games!

We all know women play games. Some women play far more as others try their hardest not to play them at all. It's okay, lots of guys play games too, their games just tend to have a different goal in mind. I love that Jim Bean commercial were guys rent puppies, it sums the games guys play up perfectly!



Now women, on the other hand, their games aren't quite as fun and one of the most basic reasons they play them is far more tragic. No matter how confident a woman is there is always just the tiniest shadow of doubt hidden somewhere within them. The larger the shadow of doubt the more games they tend to play. I know how much you guys out there hate these games and how incredibly irritating they are but please try to understand that women, for the most part, really mean no harm by these little games.

I had a friend that recently went through a divorce. Her husband or 15 years or so just up and walked out on her and their three kids. Why they broke up, what happened, I don't know, it's really not important. What is important is that about two years latter Alice, lets call her, was back on her feet moved back to the state she grew up in and near family. Frank, is the new random name for Prince Charming, in the mean time had been friends with Alice for quite some time and has now decided to move a few states and several hundred miles over to be able to be with Alice. Now to everyone else this move is an obvious sign that Frank wants no one more in the world than Alice, but does Alice see it this way? Of course she doesn't. Practically engaged by this point, I went out with Alice and Frank and a few other friends to a dance club one night. Alice spent the whole night telling her other girlfriends that they should dance with Frank and that Frank should dance with them, and saying things like 'you and Frank would be so good together.' I have to admit, Frank took this all quite well. Here he could have easily thought that all he did to show his affection for Alice meant nothing to her. To be honest, I actually believe he thought that, yet he still handled her quite well. The game was obvious and annoying to everyone and Frank just kept his mouth shut and at the end of the night just reminded Alice that she was the one he always wanted on his arm and she was the one he always wanted to go home with.

Many men could have handled that situation far worse and most would. I just ask that in the future if a girl starts playing one of these games either play along for their sake or just cut to the chase by reminding them that you are with them for a reason. If they really seam to play a lot of games just see if you can help them with some confidence issues they may be having. Or if the games are just too much then don't try to drag anything on, they may not be in a good enough place with themselves to be in a relationship at the moment. If you're a nice guy you may worry about breaking up with someone that has confidence issues, don't. You are only hurting them more by dragging it on and becoming their crutch rather then letting them find themselves. But again I must insist if a solitary game or two rolls your way try, though I know it may be hard, to understand the person behind it.

Now ladies, STOP PLAYING GAMES!!!!!!!!! I understand that a lot of women don't recognize or don't even think they are playing games but lets be realistic. It can be very hard to believe sometimes that the guy sitting next to you really wants to be with you. With your frizzy hair or your round thumbs or your extra couple of pounds, none of that matters! Believe in yourselves, you are beautiful and wonderful and I PROMISE YOU the guy sitting there next to you is there because he WANTS to be. Guys are remarkably simple creatures, if they didn't want to be there, then they just wouldn't be there. So try to keep that in mind whenever you have doubt. Because appreciating the fact that they are there is far better then frightening them away trying to figure out why they are there.

So, what are you thinking about?

Why people, generally women, ask this question:
This question, if answered honestly, can give a good insight into how an individuals mind works. When diving in a car is the person next to you easily distracted by things around them such as other cars, people, billboards ect. or do they have particular interests that they think about more than other things such as the lines they would take on this road if they were on their motorcycle, what food sounds good for dinner tonight or what kind of shoe should they buy next to add to my collection. Women tend to be the one, more often then not, asking this question. Why? Because they are always thinking about something, no matter what they are doing there is almost always something inevitably running through their head and everything they think about always leads to something else. (Actually this is why a man can be having a conversation with a woman who and in the middle can ask a question that, to the man, came from out of nowhere.) Women ask the question, 'what are you thinking about' just to try to get to know who a man is a little better.

Why the most common reply from men is "Nothing":
One reason, ladies, that men tend to answer "nothing" often is because they feel that what they are thinking is so insignificant that it doesn't demand conversation. He thinks there is no significance about talking about the gun show this Saturday to you or the fact that he saw a monkey fling pooh at the zoo last Friday, you where not there, you will not be there, and most importantly you don't care about guns or pooh, so "nothing" becomes an easy automatic answer. Then if a woman insists to know what they are thinking, by that point what the guys was thinking was so unimportant to him that he forgot so "nothing" becomes, for the most part, a honest answer.

Now this is important for ladies to understand, no matter how unfathomable it may seem, but the most likely reason a man will answer "nothing" is because they where honestly thinking nothing. Example: a random woman sees something shiny and may start thinking about jewelry in some way, a man may see something shiny and zone out for 10 minutes. This is no joke, a man can actually go for periods of time without thinking a single thought so if their answer is "nothing" don't pester them and go on about 'well you always say that' or something like that, just let it be.

My Suggestion:
If you like asking this question as much as I, who in fact loves this question, do, turn it into more of a game. Don't ask "What are you thinking about?" ask "What is the most random thing you can think of?" It's fun because the answers are sometimes a bit more unique and you can still find out a bit more about someone as they may tend to think about things that are more familiar to them or things that they like. I like dogs and sci-fi so I may think of something like the poker playing dogs from that famous painting playing Star Trek 3D Chess instead of poker. Anyway, it's just a thought.

I was only trying to help!

Women Vent.
That's just the way it is. Now the problem that is frequently run into has a solution that most men know but few men can properly execute. It's understandable, your significant other has a problem and they have now brought it to you, so what do you do? Fix it! WRONG!

Common Knowledge: When a women is venting you do not try and fix anything, you shut your mouth, look concerned, and nod when appropriate!

This, of course, is much easier said than done. You are the man, you are there to fix things and even though, when venting occurs, you know you should fix anything, being the man you are, you try anyway. Well, STOP! We all know you are only trying to help, but to a woman you suggesting and attempts to help or fix are usually interpreted as "You must be too stupid to come up with the answer on your own." or "You're too weak to be able to handle this on your own." Now you may think those are far leaps for a woman to come to but in a woman's mind the issue she is venting over is nothing more that a problem she is working through and is only frustrated about it and want's to let off some steam. Granted if all she wanted to do was let off steam why doesn't she just go to the gym or kill some zombies on a game station? Honestly, who know why they can't just play paintball and forget about it, so don't even try to reason why. Just accept that simply talking, minus any action, will make them feel better and do the absolute best you can to leave it at that. I promise you will no longer find yourself asking "Why is she mad at ME now? I was only trying to help."

Ladies, this is for you.
If you are venting to your man and he keeps giving you suggestions rather than just listening to you DON'T GET MAD AT HIM. He honestly has the best intentions at heart. If needs be calmly explain to him that what you are talking about is not a problem that need a solution, and that you are just frustrated and letting off some steam. Also if you know your man has had a bad day and he's not very talkative don't worry about it. If he want's to talk he will. Other than that just give him a break to play a violent video game or have a couple of beers with his friend because he will be right as rain as soon as he deals with his frustrations in his own way.... Angry sex is usually a good treat for him on a bad day as well;-)

Observation

There is one thing in particular I have noticed over the years, and in saying what that observation is readers may at first think 'Well, yeah, that's obvious' and a while ago I would have said the same thing. But no matter how obvious the observation is when someone is trying to understand a person of the opposite sex this thought goes right out the window!

The observation is that not all misunderstandings or differences of opinion have to do with the difference between men and women or the "language barrier" there of. Many of these differences come not from any global stereotype of a particular persons gender but the individuality of that particular person.

The last blog I posted about Bob and Sue are a perfect example of this. The answer to Bobs question about weather or not he should have bought jewelry for his wife had less to do with women as a whole wanting jewelery, even though that is what it boiled down to, and more to do with Sues individual reaction as a penny pincher to an expensive gift.

Hopefully as I share more of the questions I am asked I will be able to clarify which instances have more to do with an individuals personality and which are truly a part of that Ultimate Language Barrier.

Buying Jewlery for my Wife

A friend of mine bought a very nice necklace for his wife for Christmas. Upon receiving it the wife said that she likes it but she doesn't want him to buy her any more jewelry. Why did she say this? What did she mean? Does she not like it? Should he have not gotten her the necklace?

Fact: Women like fine jewelry. Women especially like sentimental gifts. What, let's call him Bob, got for his wife was a gold necklace with a gold pendant of a mother and child with their one year old sons birth stone in it. Bob should not worry, he did a very good job. To understand why his wife said what she said you have to understand a bit about the wife. Sue, let's call her, is an auditor by trade and a penny pincher by nature. Bob and Sue are the kinds of people who discuss what they are getting each other for Christmas well before the day itself. Though this time Bob did not tell Sue about this special gift. Inevitably Sue, by her own nature, had to say what she said. She was concerned about the financial impact not because it was not wonderful but because it was money spent on her for something, well lets face it, unnecessary for survival. Also She may have felt guilty for not knowing and therefore being unable to return the gesture.

So should Bob have gotten Sue the Necklace? Yes. Should he continue to buy her jewelry in the future? Yes. But lucky for Bob the intervals between such romantic gestures can be greatly stretched.

As I said, women tend to like fine jewelry but if it is given too much such as every birthday or every Christmas this romantic gesture tends to lose its sentimentality. So for a good long lasting relationship I'd say once every other year to once every five years or so. Of course this also depends on the woman, is she someone who thinks she deserves the world, then once a year may not be enough. For a woman like Sue, once every five years or so, maybe even more, should be fine. Remember its all in context.

Congratulations Bob, ya did-done good!

What is the ultimate language barrier?

He's not stupid and she's not psycho, you just don't understand each other. Though they share a common phonetic alphabet and sentence structure men and women both have languages all their own. Throughout my life I have been surrounded by more men then most women and more women then most men. This has put me in an interesting position where many friends and colleagues tend to ask me questions such as "why did my wife do this?" or "why do guys always say that?" Now I, in no way, claim to be an expert on the subjects of either men or women but my observations through the years have always amused and even amazed me. I thought it was time that I shared the questions I get asked along my personal observations and attempts at answers to these questions. Feel free to give your opinions on the topics as well!