Just For a Few
(the majority of you can skip down to the end)
This post is directed to a slim number of people. I just happen to live in an area in the United States where people are so sexually repressed through adolescence and into adulthood that this post actually does hold some relevance. Now don't get me wrong, protecting your child from things and bringing them into the world as discerning, knowledgeable adults is one thing. To shelter them to the point that a PG movie can be seen as obscene is another.
The Example
I work with a really nice guy. He is 27 years old and to a casual observer he may seem to be a bit on the dweeby side. He loves disk golf, or frolf, it's the only sport, if you can call that a sport, he plays and he lives and breaths music. Now I'm not just talking any music, I love all kinds of music, no he only lives for choral music. He has a girlfriend at the moment and after three weeks he announced to the office that it has become the longest relationship he has ever been in. This may sound a little weird to some but I haven't hit the major point yet. I bet most of you can now assume where I am getting to. This 27 year old man has never kissed a girl, not even a peck! (or a guy but he seems to be genuinely uninterested in switching teams aether)Now, I am not here to tell anyone how they should be living and if he doesn't want to kiss anyone that is his decision.
In the girlfriend lies the problem. He says he likes her and wants to keep her around and wants to make her happy but even though she is a sweet girl that may even be naiver than some he is still hurting her feelings by not kissing her. She knows about the virgin lip thing he has going but she is still going to start taking it personally soon if he doesn't step up. To be honest she already is and he knows it. He found out through her room mates that she is starting to feel down on herself. Yet nice guy still can't man up.
What this Means
If a girl isn't kissed by their boyfriend they feel ugly as if the boyfriend doesn't even want to. This can go for many other things besides kissing such as holding hands in public or even sex for those more liberal couples. And if you as the man can't kiss them or hold their hand or whatever your idiosyncrasy is then you need to find a way to show them how beautiful they are to you asap!
Confidence is also important. I girls / women are attracted to men they feel can protect them. That's why you see so man sweet girls dating horrible jerks, they are strong and confident and make a woman feel protected from the world, even when the protection they sadly need is from the jerk. If this nice guy I just spoke about doesn't find some confidence in him somewhere, or in other words, grow a pair, he will lose her and lose her quickly.
For the Rest of Us
Everyone wants to feel loved and everyone wants to feel important and attractive. Even if you say I love you every time you say goodbye on the phone, every night at bed, every morning before leaving for work that is not enough. Those I love yous don't ever loose there meaning but they can become routine and not have the effect that the words once had. Be spontaneous, take time to pause and let your partner know exactly how they make you feel and how you feel about them. Rather then a peak one morning surprise them with a truly impassioned kiss. Slip a hand written note somewhere you know they will find it. These simple things can have so much more personal value than flowers on important days. (Though honestly, if you want to keep your soulmate around forgetting flowers on those important days would be a very BAD idea)
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You're not wrong overall, though that's more applied psychology. But I'm not really interested in getting into the rest of it.
ReplyDeleteMy concern lies in your opening. Utah is not sexually repressed. It is morally regulated. People in Utah still have sex and party down and do drugs and all that stuff that the LDS church advocates against. And they do it young. What I assume is your actual beef here is with the fear of moral judgement that does in all fairness dominate local culture.
This fellow you've used as an example has made his choices, and whether he likes it or not he is going to deal with the consequences. It seems to me that he's a bit of an odd duck anyway, so using him as an example of Everything That Is Wrong Around Here seems rather wrong to me.
My first kiss came (unexpectedly) as a result of my current relationship, which has lasted just over six months, and I am 20 years old. To have sheltered oneself from this aspect of relationships is nothing to be ashamed of, and is a personal choice that should not be looked down upon. In fact, I believe that I spared myself an astounding amount of grief and drama by holding off until now, and starting myself down that road has already carried penalties along with its benefits.
Essentially, my point boils down to this:
Some relationships are made or unmade by the application of physical affection. Some are not even affected by it. Either case depends entirely on those in the relationship, and has nothing to do with absolute statements about which ways of approaching this work and which do not. To say otherwise is to try and force those in compatible, happy relationships that do not include kissing or other forms of physical affection into something uncomfortable and inappropriate to their unique situation.
Not everything is right for everyone.
It is so true that the "I love you"s can come routine. Not that I don't mean it...I do! I try to spice things up with a handwritten note here and there. :)
ReplyDeleteNot everything is right for everyone is a very true statement that I made very clear up front. I'm sorry if you think I was putting an overwhelming label on things which I am not trying to do. I tried to make it very clear that this is a unique situation in which one person in a relationship is feeling downtrodden because the other person in the relationship is not showing affection in the way in which it is desired. All I am saying is that this should be communicated between them or a the relationship could possibly not have very much further to go.
ReplyDeleteI hope I was able to clear my statement up a bit.