Women Vent.
That's just the way it is. Now the problem that is frequently run into has a solution that most men know but few men can properly execute. It's understandable, your significant other has a problem and they have now brought it to you, so what do you do? Fix it! WRONG!
Common Knowledge: When a women is venting you do not try and fix anything, you shut your mouth, look concerned, and nod when appropriate!
This, of course, is much easier said than done. You are the man, you are there to fix things and even though, when venting occurs, you know you should fix anything, being the man you are, you try anyway. Well, STOP! We all know you are only trying to help, but to a woman you suggesting and attempts to help or fix are usually interpreted as "You must be too stupid to come up with the answer on your own." or "You're too weak to be able to handle this on your own." Now you may think those are far leaps for a woman to come to but in a woman's mind the issue she is venting over is nothing more that a problem she is working through and is only frustrated about it and want's to let off some steam. Granted if all she wanted to do was let off steam why doesn't she just go to the gym or kill some zombies on a game station? Honestly, who know why they can't just play paintball and forget about it, so don't even try to reason why. Just accept that simply talking, minus any action, will make them feel better and do the absolute best you can to leave it at that. I promise you will no longer find yourself asking "Why is she mad at ME now? I was only trying to help."
Ladies, this is for you.
If you are venting to your man and he keeps giving you suggestions rather than just listening to you DON'T GET MAD AT HIM. He honestly has the best intentions at heart. If needs be calmly explain to him that what you are talking about is not a problem that need a solution, and that you are just frustrated and letting off some steam. Also if you know your man has had a bad day and he's not very talkative don't worry about it. If he want's to talk he will. Other than that just give him a break to play a violent video game or have a couple of beers with his friend because he will be right as rain as soon as he deals with his frustrations in his own way.... Angry sex is usually a good treat for him on a bad day as well;-)
Good advice on the one hand, and dubious on the other. I speak from a wealth of experience when I say that people -- that often happen to be female -- can and do come to you for advice and for direct help in repairing problems that have beset them when you make yourself available. I have had countless encounters with various friends and loved ones that have begun as either their asking for help or my seeing their need, and ended in profound revelations and complex advice.
ReplyDeleteMuch of the time, there is a step that is ignored. You're right that men should make a point of listening first and going out and bashing heads only after this process is complete, but you leave out something that is, in my opinion, much more important. I have found that listening alone is often limited use. The pattern is as follows: listen until the problem is entirely explained, digging for more information when necessary and comforting when possible, then align yourself with the goals of the other person and work with them to determine a course of action.
I cannot possibly enumerate all the times that basic pattern has rescued me from being utterly useless to the people to whom I listen. Naturally each of these conversations (and people!) is different, but again this is a strong basic structure to genuinely help those in need, whether friend, family, or lover.
Well there is a difference between what this article is talking about, venting for venting's sake, and having a deeper problem. This difference is usually very easy to identify!
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ReplyDeleteI agree, I don't want solutions to my problem because most likey I won't do what you say anyways. I want someone to cry on when I have a problem. I want someone who will listen and not judge how stupid the problem is or how easy the solution is. I like how you put it "when a woman is venting, you do not try to fix anything, you shut your mouth, look concerned, and nod when appropriate!"-very true :)
ReplyDeleteJackie...I love this post! I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now and I still have to say, "I am just venting so don't try to fix anything." And he has to say, "Ok, but don't get mad if I say anything while you are talking." :)
ReplyDeleteWhen I was single I understood this concept but never really had it happen in real life. Wow! It is different understanding it and it actually happening! Anyways, I agree with you!
Good post.
ReplyDeleteIn my past relationships, I would always have to listen listen and listen. And I would try to make comments, but then I would get yelled at. And they would always tell me, that sometimes I just want to talk without having me criticize.